The love of a dwarf
by Queen of Adrian
Summary: There is nothing wrong with writing 'A girl falls into Middle Earth' stories, as long as your character isn't what is known as a 'Mary Sue.' This is a parody. Do not take this seriously. I am purposefully making a very cliché young lady, as the protagonist.
1. Chapter 1

The love of a dwarf

Mary Stephanie Anne Rosella watercrest Sue Silverstone was something different. Her eyes were the most stormy gray in existence. Her hair was black like the night, just reaching her neck. She did not like long hair cause the popular girls at her corrupt school had long hair. Stephanie did not like the immature, perverted boys at her school and so tried to avoid them. She did not like her teachers, either because they were like total control freaks. Her parents were tragically murdered when she was a baby, but she survived. She was mostly unscathed, save for a silver scar shaped like a star below her plump, pink lips. She was very sad because of this, and the only thing that could calm her down was the breeze, and the moonlight. The moonlight turned her black tresses silver. A night like this was happening now, and she stood in the moonlight. Tears fell from her stormy eyes. She did not want anyone from her immature, corrupt school seeing her like this, so she only came out at night. She really was a pure, kind girl with a heart of gold. Beside her stood her bigass german shepherd, Darryl, who was the only thing in the world that understood her. Her peace was ruined when her abusive uncle, Belshazzar, called. He adopted her after her parents passed away. Unfortunately, he adopted her older brother, Nathaniel, too. She avoided Nathaniel at school, because he was corrupt, unlike her. She went inside.

She limped into bed, angry tears falling onto her pillow.

The next day, she covered up her bruises, and got dressed into a black t-shirt, and tight blue jeans that showed off her tall, curvy figure. She sighed. "I hope those perverted juveniles don't notice me today."She sighed again, her voice more fair than a Disney princess'.

She dreamt of a most strange thing: she was outside! In a forest. Darryl slept by his mistress. She grinned with pleasure, until she heard a Scottish accent, and a North Irish accent. One was youthful and full of joy, the other ...Youthful and full of joy.

Two young men came into view, one blonde, and one dark, who had thick stubble, whereas the blond had a short beard and a braided mustache. Mary could not help but notice they were very short. And, the dark haired one was very attrac-

'What am I thinking! I don't know this guy!' They both took notice of her, and then wore impish grins on their faces. She looked at them, mouth agape. She had just seen them at the movie theater!

"Who is this, Fíli?" Said the attra- the dark haired one, a most smolde- stupid grin on his face.

"I don't know, Kíli" The blonde replied. The blonde (whose name was apparently Fíli) looked at her, grinning, until he suddenly shouted, "Step away from it, Kíli!" Shouted Fíli. "Why?" Asked Kíli. "Because it is an elf!" He all but screamed.

They shot off into the dark. She stared at them.

She walked for several hours, never stopping, because she is just that tough and just that persistent. As Mary walked through rocky plains, eyes narrowed, hips swinging, she spotted a tiny village.

She reached it. It was dark now, and the village (which was actually Bree) was asleep. She harshly grabbed at some men's clothes that were hanging on whatever you hang clothes on. They were clearly forgotten, as if the Valar intended for her to get them. They did. She was so amazing without realizing it. She walked into the prancing pony, where Butterbur welcomed her kindly ( even though he Obviously wasn't born yet). She was having breakfast the next morning, when all of a sudden an old man in grey approached her. His eyes twinkled.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" He asked. "What do you need, grandpa!?" She yelled. That would have been inappropriate if anyone else would have said that. But she was so pretty and feisty, the wizard forgave her.

"You have a special purpose" He said. She was shocked! So that's why she was in Middle Earth!

"I need you to save the heirs of dúrin" He said. "Why would you choose me? How do you know me!?" She shouted. Nobody noticed her yelling. "You are perfect for the job!" He said, as if that explained everything.

"Why would I be chosen! I am just an average, young, teenage girl!"

Exclaimed Mary.

The wizard looked grave, even though his eyes twinkled a minute earlier.

"I did not choose you. The Valar did. You are the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe."

Mary gasped! How! She never knew!

The Wizards eyes twinkled. Again.

"Come with me. We will go on a quest, with thirteen dwarves. There will be another member, though, who we will find in the shire."

Mary nodded. "Let's go."


	2. Chapter 2

After purchasing some clothes that were made for men, Mary and Gandalf walked to the shire. All the residents smiled at Mary, because she was gorgeous, before they noticed the Wizards presence, and then shot off.

They finally reached the destination, which, at first glance, looked to be a hill, with a round, green door. On a bench sat a short, large footed midget, smoking a ridiculously large pipe.

Gandalf smiled, and turned one of his smoke rings into a dragon (a dragon made of smoke, that is), that flew into the poor creatures nose. He seemed to fall out of a reverie, opening his eyes, shaking his head. He then seemed to fall back into a reverie, when he saw how how incredibly beautiful Mary was. Mary had been turned into an elf, as you may remember, and the sunlight now shone on her pale skin, and her dark hair now reached passed her waist, with no split ends. The hobbit then ignored the wizard who towered over him, and called to Mary a cheerful "Good morning!" Gandalf frowned.

But then, the Wizards eyes twinkled, and he said, "What do you mean, good morning? Do you mean to wish me good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I like it or not, or that you feel good on this morning, or that it is a morning to be good on?" The short creature (whose name is obviously Bilbo), looked shocked, and quite irritated.

Mary blocked out the rest of the conversation, wondering why the two young men shot off. She reached to tuck a strand of midnight black hair behind her ear, and realized it was pointed! She remembered the conversation from earlier-

'It is an elf!' The blonde had said. Wow, she was an elf! She rather would have been a human, because she thought elves were prissy, but she was so mature, she decided to think about the task at hand,which was getting the hobbit to come. Never mind, he just ran into his house.

Gandalf looked pleased, as if he wanted the hobbit to run inside.

"I will now inform the others," he said.

"What others?" Asked Mary wondering if the dreamy- no, the dark haired dwarf was to be included.

"You shall see," said the Wizard. His twinkling eyes seemed to hold a knowledge that she wanted desperately to hold and kiss the dwarf prince, under the light of the moon.

Mary and Gandalf wandered around the shire, waiting for the rest of the company to arrive. Gandalf told Mary to wait in a tree, a few feet from where he now stood. Sure enough, the dwarves arrived. Mary climbed down the tree branches silently. None of the dwarves noticed her presence. Gandalf pointed in the direction of Bilbo's house, and told them to go there.

After they left, Gandalf told Mary to put on the cloak she purchased, and to tell them she was a ranger.

Mary now stood by Bilbo's house, with several dwarves. They were not aware that Gandalf had another member of the company.

After the fussy midget let them in, Mary was courteously led to the main room. Bilbo had told her he recognized her divine presence beneath her cloak.

As she was led, she saw the dark haired dwarf. She sighed.

Ten minutes later found her sitting awkwardly, with the dwarves all finally wondering what she was doing in the house. They never had, up until this point, wondered why a 'ranger' was in Bilbo's house.

Balin eyed Mary up and down.

"What brings you here, lad?" He asked.

Mary shifted uncomfortably. Just then, the handsome dwarves came from the front entrance.

"One of my knives are missing! I curse everyone in here!" Whined Fíli. The handsome dark haired dwarf rolled his eyes.

Mary sat up to leave, when she heard Bilbo losing patience with Gandalf. Ori stood up, and followed the noise, his plate in hand.

Not even a minute after Ori left, the dwarves began singing. This was their song-

'Blunt the knives, bend the forks, smash the bottles and burn the corks, chip the glasses and crack the plates... That's what Bilbo Baggins hates! Cut the cloth, tread on the fat, leave the bones on the bedroom mat. Pour the milk on the pantry floor... Splash the wine on every door! Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl, pound them up with a thumping pole, when you're finished, if they are whole... Send them down the hall to roll! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!'

The merriment ceased when three very loud knocks crashed on the door. Gandalf looked grave.

"He is here."

A/N: I know, not very funny. Still, I'm doing this off an iPhone. That is amazing. I give thanks to Borys, Lavendercrystalofroses, and Katzztar. And my older brother who posted this for me. When Thorin is in the house, things will get better.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Mary is not a sue! Just kidding!

Disclaimer: I don't own this. If I did, Figwit would have said more.

"He is here." Said the Wizard, looking as if he were amused at something to come.

Mary sighed. Bilbo looked like he would explode. Fíli and Kíli looked to be the only ones excited. Balin glanced at Mary, noticing her feminine sigh.

'Oh, great, he's already suspicious,' thought Mary. Her thoughts were interrupted when the door opened.

In strode a dwarf who was taller than the rest (save for Kíli), with stormy eyes (the only eyes that could compete with Mary's stormy grey-blue orbs), dark hair, and a surprisingly short beard. His proud air irritated Mary. It made her think of the immature kids at her school.

"Gandalf," said the dwarf, "I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice." He removed his cloak. "I would not have found it at all, had it not been for that mark on the door."

"There's no mark on the door, it was painted a week ago!" Exclaimed the irate hobbit, not intimidated by the giant beside him.

"There is a mark there, I put it there myself," Said Gandalf, looking somewhat guilty.

Gandalf, Thorin, and Bilbo conversed, though Mary did not listen. Neither did the suspicious Balin. Mary's attention was caught when Thorin said, "He looks more like a grocer than a burglar!"

Mary immediately stood up, and glowered at the haughty midget.

"Do you have anything you wish to say?" Sneered the Dwarf.

"Yes,"said Mary, "He does not deserve this treatment. And for your information, your royal highness, he will make a great burglar." Such majestic power radiated from her voice, some of the dwarves cowered. But, Thorin will not cower, because there needs to be lasting character tension.

Thorin puffed his chest out, and began to speak, until Gandalf intervened.

"Everybody, stop acting like children," He growled "Master Baggins is much more impressive than he seems."

Mary cowered at his voice. Thorin puffed his chest out further.

Mary tried to avoid everyone. She made a bad first impression. Gandalf eventually grabbed one of her smooth, pale arms, and led her to the kitchen.

"You had best be careful," Gandalf said "You will be traveling with all of them, after all."

Mary glanced at the floor.

"What should I do now? I can't imagine traveling with that haughty..." The rest of what she said is not to be repeated. Gandalf smiled gently. He could not easily lose patience with such a bright young lady.

The dwarves began to sing. The song was surprisingly sad; low and beautiful. After they finished, Kíli approached her.

He looked at her coldly. "Balin actually wants you to join. He said to meet you in the library." He clearly was not happy that she sassed his uncle.

Mary walked quickly to the library, even though she should not know where that's at.

"You're not a ranger, are you, laddie? Are you even a man?" Began the old dwarf.

Mary cast down her cloak, and, lo and behold! Before Balin stood a tall elf maiden! He chuckled.

"I think you would do just fine. However; I think you and Thorin would not get along. You will have to remain hooded, if you are to come at all."

"You want me to join?" Mary asked. Balin nodded.

"Gandalf said you would be an excellent ally."

As if on cue, Gandalf walked in.

"Thorin says you can join. Just don't let him find out your gender. Or that you're an elf."

Mary nodded this would be easy. What could go wrong?

The next morning dawned bright and early. Thorin, Fíli and Kíli did not look happy.

Mary was sharing a horse with Gandalf. She wondered why the wizard could not have brought that cart with him.

They halted in the woods, waiting for the hobbit. When they were about to leave, the tiny figure came crashing through the woods. Huffing, and saying, 'I signed it!', he handed the contract to Balin. Mary smiled.

Rain. Pouring, merciless, cold rain poured on them. Bilbo got the worst of it, but this is Mary's story, so who cares about the diminutive burglar? Everyone was in a bad mood, even Bofur, a hatted dwarf who had a seemingly unbreakable

Spirit. But this weather could crush anyone's spirit. Even Mary scowled into the grey clouds.

The company eventually settled down in a rocky clearing. Mary breathed in the moonlight filled night air. Beside her sprang a lavender and white flower, that resembled a rose, without thorns. It glowed silver in the light of the moon. For so fair she was, a new flower sprang forth to greet her. It is called now Celefae, which means 'silver spirit.' The Eldar sing of it to this day.

As Mary sat down, she realized that Darryl, her German Shepard, was missing! Her eyes widened. How long...! Her head swam. Her heart hurt. He was almost always with her, so she did not notice his absence. She failed! She lost the only thing that ever loved her. A single tear ran down her face.

Mary glided over to Gandalf.

"Where the **** is Darryl?! I'm going to go crazy if he isn't found!" Several dwarves looked at her, their bushy eyebrows raised.

The rest of the night passed, slowly yet quickly. Gandalf explained her situation.

She moved like a zombie the next morning. Ori, the young scribe, tried to cheer her up, even though he said nothing to her the day before. Bofur also tried to lighten her mood, by telling cheap jokes. She actually smiled, though no one noticed. She was still a man, as far as they were concerned. Because of her unmatched skill in everything, she managed to keep her hood over her face. How amazing!

When they reached a campsite, a quarrel arose. Gandalf and Thorin argued. The Wizard huffed and walked away, saying he was sick of dwarves. So was Mary.

That night, Mary felt something stir in the pit of her stomach. Fear, unrest. Kíli and Fíli left to watch the ponies. She fell asleep. Until the young heirs of Dúrin came crashing through the forest.

"Bilbo's in danger!" They both screamed in unison. Mary unsheathed a sword. Where did she get that sword?

A/N: I have plans for Darryl. And I swear it drives me crazy how Bofur and Ori become friends with the OC so quickly. And though there's nothing wrong with defending Bilbo (I know I would. He's adorable!), it's really getting old. And, OC's always argue with Thorin, yet he still lets them on the quest.

And Borys, thanks for commenting on all my stories :) my entire day is made when I receive comments.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Mary is part of the company. How unexpected! Thank you Borys, you're an angel sent from the Valar. Mary is also sent from the Valar.

Mary grumbled as her feet walked over leaves, without making a crunching sound. She liked the hobbit, though she really wished he could stay out of trouble.

As she walked slowly (she was unfortunately behind Bombur) in the darkness, the light of a fire glared at her. A large, hideous being held a shaking Bilbo, upside-down. Snot dripped off his entire body.

Everybody silently watched as he was shook, and called a nasty little rabbit, until Kíli, reckless fellow, ordered he (the troll, you know) to drop him. The dwarves all charged out. Mary almost followed them, until she realized this was a battle that could not be won. She needed to make a plan, a clever plan that only she was capable of carrying out.

Mary miraculously found a set of five throwing knives. Well, they weren't throwing knives, but she happened to be a natural at throwing knives. She was a natural at everything, though, right!

Mary's plan started off successful, that is, until she was grabbed by Bert's meaty fist. Her epic troll battle went like this-

She threw two daggers at William, almost nailing his eyes, had he not rubbed his eyes. Tom noticed the knives flying, and looked all around. Mary dove into a bush. They looked all around for several minutes, until they gave up. Mary tried throwing two more knives, at Bert, but, he then sadly bent down. Tom spotted her. As he reached out for her with his ridiculously long hands, she gracefully leaped out of his way, with cat-like precision. She somersaulted in between his legs, and stabbed his knee with her sword that she got from nowhere. William grabbed her. She was stuffed in a sack.

Present time

Mary was almost completely sure there was no hope. Until Bilbo hopped towards the ugly things. He began talking to them, stating they were cooking the dwarves wrong.

Mary decided to join Bilbo.

"You should put them in medium water, with sage and thyme!" She said, with much confidence.

"The burrahobbit said not to use sage," grunted William. "Which one of you is right?" He asked. Mary raised her chin higher, to look confident.

"That is a good question," she said, glowing with confidence.

Tom glared at Mary and grabbed her roughly. She did not moan in pain. What a splendid young lady!

"What about this thing?" Tom gruffly asked .

Bilbo laughed uneasily.

"Look how pretty she is. Would you want to eat her?"

Pulling down her saw her beauty; her stormy, grey-blue eyes, her softly pointed ears, her midnight black hair... She really was special, even to the eyes of a cave troll.

Fifteen minutes later, she was seated on Tom's lap, with Tom running his hands through her thick and silky could not help it: her hair was glowing silver, and trolls like silver, and her hair also had a black raspberry- vanilla scent about it. As for Mary, she was almost enjoying herself, despite their smell. All was silent, save for the crackling fire, and the angry dwarves. The silence, if you want to call it that, was broken when-

"The dawn will take you all!"

Mary tried to scramble out of the lap of the troll. She was mostly out, except for her cloak bottom, which had Tom's pointer finger and thumb pinching it. You see, the dwarves still did not see her face. Her disguise was ruined, though, when she leaped out of the trolls grasp. Her cloak popped off.

Thorin gasped. Kíli's expression was shocked, though Fíli could see what his brother was feeling. Kíli was happy she was here, and also had a little crush on her.

The dwarves gawked at her, not sure what to feel. They had respected her, because they thought she was a ranger, but now she was revealed to be an elf, Noldorin in looks, with shiny, glowy skin, and luscious black locks.

Thorin soon looked angry.

"What is the meaning of, elf?" Thorin coldly asked.

"I'm... I had to join you," began Mary, "For I am the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe."

They spoke no more, and the only people who treated her with a shred of decency were Bofur, Ori, Bilbo, and Gandalf.

Gandalf pointed to the cave, and told her to go get a sword. Even though she already had one. After all, Bilbo can't get all the attention, can he? (He should, though, because this archive is called 'Hobbit').

Mary plugged her smooth, slender nose, and walked into the cave. She dug around, and eventually found a long, double edged sword. The hilt was beautiful, having a ruby encrusted top. Mary tested it, finding it light, kind of like a samurai sword. She returned to the wizard.

Gandalf cleared his throat to start speaking, but he was interrupted by a crazy looking old guy, pulled in a sleigh of the biggest rabbits Mary had ever seen.

The crazy old guy talked about a shadow rising. Mary listened carefully, wondering if her purpose was to stop the shadow. Gandalf seemed to read her mind, and shook his head.

The crazy looking old dude (whose name is Radaghast) took off his hat, and bowed to Mary. Birds flew out from under it. The conversation was interrupted when a howl rang out.

Mary gasped. She then unsheathed her sword.


End file.
